# Bruce Schneier Facts

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1,“When I wake up in the morning I pee cryptographic excellence.” – [b] 1,[b] always inhabits the soundness of error margin of your zero-knowledge crypto protocol 1,[b] assembled assembly … with his bare hands! 1,[b] can change most random distributions. With his fists 1,[b] can conduct secure multiparty computation … on his own 1,[b] can determine the exact location and velocity of any particle that’s being used by quantum cryptography 1,[b] can reverse any one-way cryptographic hash, just by staring it in the eye 1,[b] can sniff network traffic just with his nose 1,[b] can solve NP-Complete problems in NlogN time 1,[b] can straighten out an elliptic curve with nothing but his teeth 1,[b] cuts meat in prime number lengths 1,[b] decrypted the Bible. The plaintext read, “[b]” 1,[b] doesn’t even trust Trent. Trent has to trust [b] 1,[b] doesn’t have a chin under his beard – just more ciphertext 1,[b] doesn’t need steganography to hide data in innocent-looking files. He just pounds it in with his fist 1,[b] eats 0s and 1s for breakfast. And snacks on pi 1,[b] fully discloses his own vulnerabilities: none 1,[b] got a perfect score on his comp-sci degree. Just by writing [b] for every answer 1,[b] is computationally infeasible 1,[b] is Knuth’s homeboy 1,[b] is the ideal man. Alice loves him; Bob fears him; Charlie wants to be him 1,[b] knows Alice and Bob’s shared secret 1,[b] knows your private key 1,[b] made Bell-LaPadula do a brutal doodle 1,[b] makes abstract algebra look like elementary algebra 1,[b] memorizes his one-time pads 1,[b] mounts chosen-ciphertext attacks without choosing the ciphertext 1,[b] mounts side-channel attacks through the front channel 1,[b] once broke AES using nothing but six feet of rusty barbed wire, a toothpick, and the front axle from a 1962 Ford Falcon 1,[b] once decrypted a box of AlphaBits 1,[b] once factored a prime number 1,[b] once found the inverse of a trapdoor function counting only on the fingers of one hand 1,[b] PGP signs his grocery lists so that he can detect if someone has tampered with his milk 1,[b] sneers and solves Godel’s incompleteness theorems 1,[b] taught Chuck Norris how to divide by zero as they stood silent in an elevator 1,[b] was born with the Phaistos Disk in his fist 1,[b] was only allowed to view the Kryptos sculpture at Langley for 1 second, in order not to spoil the fun other cryptographers. It was 0.9 seconds too much 1,[b] writes his books and essays by generating random alphanumeric text of an appropriate length and then decrypting it 1,[b] writes his personal journal in Linear A 1,[b]’s discrete logarithms are uncountable and continuous 1,[b]’s online purchases are so secure, his shopping cart is an M-1 tank 1,[b]’s public and private keys are known as “Law” and “Order” 1,[b]’s secure handshake is so strong, you won’t be able to exchange keys with anyone else for days 1,[b]’s tears can burn holes through an OpenBSD firewall. Lucky for us, [b] never cries 1,[b]’s Twofish algorithm has 16 rounds, but he always gets a knockout in the first 1,A mystery wrapped in an Enigma is no more puzzling to [b] than a mystery wrapped in ROT-13 1,A vigenere cipher with the Key “BRUCESCHNEIER” is in fact unbreakable 1,Albert Einstein wears [b] pajamas 1,As [b] says there is no Oscar for security theatre 1,As initialization vectors, ‘[b]’ and ‘Chuck Norris’ are interchangeable 1,Autographed copies of “Applied Cryptography” regularly sell for twice the going rate for enigma machines on eBay 1,Beyond computational complexity, there is Schneiertational complexity 1,Every time [b] smiles, an amateur cryptographer dies 1,Every time [b] writes a fully general halt-checker, God kills a passenger pigeon. This is why passenger pigeons are extinct 1,Geologists recently discovered that “earthquakes” are nothing more than [b] and Chuck Norris communicating via a roundhouse kick-based cryptosystem 1,Humboldt squids have sensors capable of detecting clothing worn by [b] at 800 yards – to trigger their flight response 1,If [b] wants your plaintext, he’ll just squeeze it out of the ciphertext using his barehands 1,If at first you don’t succeed at breaking a cipher, you’re not [b] 1,If you use the digits of Pi to generate a visual image, it draws a picture of [b] 1,In a fight between Ron Rivest and Adi Shamir, the winner would be [b] 1,It has recently been discovered that every possible hashing algorithm produces the same value for the phrase “[b]” – [b] 1,Most people use passwords. Some people use passphrases. [b] uses an epic passpoem, detailing the life and works of seven mythical Norse heroes 1,Mr. T pities the fool. [b] just pities his data 1,P = NP in [b]’s very presence 1,Quantum cryptography exchanged the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle for the Schneier Dead Moral Certainty Principle when [b] came to town 1,Ron Rivest wears [b] pajamas 1,SSL is invulnerable to man-in-the-middle attacks. Unless that man is [b] 1,Sweeping NSA reforms will soon require all employees to grow a [b] beard 1,The final Beale Cipher, written 175 years ago, detailing the rightful owners of a cache of gold, has just two words in its plaintext: [b] 1,The nuclear launch codes held by the President of the United States are secured by an unbreakable system: a plain brown envelope with a picture of [b] on the flap 1,The only reason the Etruscan incriptions haven’t been decyphered is because [b] hasn’t been bored enough to take a look 1,The output of [b]’s pseudorandom generator follows no describable pattern and cannot be compressed 1,The universe was created to serve as [b]’s crib text 1,There are no finite state machines. Only a series of states [b] allows to exist 1,There is no chin behind [b]’s beard. There is only another pseudorandom number generator and he’s gonna use it to encrypt your face 1,When [b] clicks “Random Fact” the outcome is never random 1,When [b] does modulo arithmetic, there are no remainders. Ever 1,When [b] pre-computes S-box tables, he does it dynamically from the key … over breakfast 1,When [b] uses double ROT13 encryption, the ciphertext is totally unbreakable 1,When he was three, [b] built an Enigma machine out of LEGO 1,When the Zodiac Killer heard [b] was going to decrypt his messages, he turned himself in 1,Whitfield Diffie and Martin Hellman use only their surnames out of fear of [b]

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0,the man himself! 1,Bruce Schneier

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Original here. Other Famous Facts.